her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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