You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
