when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
