take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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