Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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