What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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