You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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