woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
