How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
