hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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