You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
