I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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