Someone shit on the floor
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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