My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
