Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
