so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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