I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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