In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
