Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
