I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
