if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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