sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize