i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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