I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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