today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
