More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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