i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I would ride that face into the sunset
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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