I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
