I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
