Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
