cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
