I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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