Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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