Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I will pee on everything he values.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
