so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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