Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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