The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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