i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
