I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.