Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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