I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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