I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
