Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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