my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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