Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's shark week go big or go home
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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