Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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