I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
