my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
