I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
