he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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