apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
