That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
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Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
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You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
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